International Bon Vivant and Raconteur (nick_kaufmann) wrote,
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur

At Least Tom Cruise Didn't Win For "Valkyrie"

The winners of the 35th Annual Saturn Awards were announced last night, and it's always nice to see the Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films continuing to embarrass itself. Let's take a look at this year's bumper crop of winners, shall we? (You can see the full list of nominees here.)

Science Fiction Film: "Iron Man"

Not a bad choice. Certainly a step up from fellow nominees Eagle Eye, The Day the Earth Stood Still and Jumper. Not to mention that abominable Indiana Jones movie.

Fantasy Film: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

I haven't seen it, but the other nominees were so weak -- Prince Caspian anyone? -- that a big, popular Oscar-nominee seemed like a shoe-in.

Horror Film: "Hellboy II: The Golden Army"

Seriously? I saw Hellboy II and it made me embarrassed to be such a big fan of the first film. At least it didn't go to fellow nominees The Happening or The Mummy: Curse of the Dragon Emperor, which was one of the worst movies I've ever seen, but really, Quarantine lost out to a movie that looked like it was shot from the rough draft of an outline for the script?

Action/Adventure/Thriller Film: "The Dark Knight"

In the most useless category the Saturns offer, at least a fine film took it this year and we were spared the sight of Valkyrie and Traitor getting any awards ever.

Actor: Robert Downey, Jr. ("Iron Man")

A fine choice, since he's the reason Iron Man worked so well as a movie. Of course, being up against Will Smith for Hancock and Tom Cruise for Valkyrie made it kind of a shoe-in.

Actress: Angelina Jolie ("Changeling")

HOW IS THIS A SCIENCE FICTION, FANTASY OR HORROR MOVIE? Thank you, Saturn Awards, for reminding me you have no actual mission statement about genre films, just a cool, planet-shaped award and a parent organization with a meaningless name.

Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger ("The Dark Knight")

An excellent choice. Had it gone to fellow nominee Shia LeBeouf for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I would have left civilization to go live in a cave where nothing would ever bother me again.

Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")

Another category of embarrassing nominees -- Joan Allen in Death Race? Really? -- but I love Tilda Swinton (I'm still waiting for Orlando 2: Payback's a Bitch) so I'm happy.

Performance by a Younger Actor: Jaden Christopher Smith ("The Day the Earth Stood Still")

Riiiiiight, because Smith was better than Lina Leandersson in Let the Right One In. Um, good job, Saturn Awards.

Director: Jon Favreau ("Iron Man")

A steal from the more worthy Christopher Nolan for The Dark Knight, but hey, at least Spielberg didn't win for Indiana Jones and the Flying Hubcap from Space.

Writer: Christopher Nolan and Jonathan Nolan ("The Dark Knight")

Good choice, but again here I would have gone with John Ajvide Lindqvist for Let the Right One In, which was a much more subtle and powerful script.

Music: Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard ("The Dark Knight")

I guess they didn't like John Powell's score for Jumper.

Costume: Mary Zophres ("Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull")

Yeah, because the loincloths those Amazonian natives wore as they broke through the walls of their own temple, thus destroying their home for no good reason, were awesome.

Make-Up: Greg Cannom ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button")

Here's where I actually would have gone with the also-nominated Hellboy II. Though why Tropic Thunder was also nominated in this category is beyond me.

Special Effects: Nick Davis, Chris Corbould, Timothy Webber, Paul J. Franklin ("The Dark Knight")

Again, not bad, but I would wager that Iron Man's special effects were actually more technically complex.

International Film: "Let the Right One In"

Finally! I hope the award was presented by Jaden Christopher Smith!

Animated Film: "Wall-E"

Television Series: "Lost"

And this year it actually deserved it!

Syndicated/Cable Television Series: "Battlestar Galactica"

Presentation on Television: "The Librarian: The Curse of the Judas Chalice"

Actor on Television: Edward James Olmos ("Battlestar Galactica")

Actress on Television: Mary McDonnell ("Battlestar Galactica")

Supporting Actor on Television: Adrian Pasdar ("Heroes")

Hahahahahahahahahaha! No really, who won? Michael Emerson on Lost, I hope, or even Henry Ian Cusick from the same show. Wait...this is real?

Supporting Actress on Televison: Jennifer Carpenter ("Dexter")

Guest Starring Role on Television: Jimmy Smits ("Dexter")

DVD Release: Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer"

Who? What? Never even heard of it outside of some ads in Rue Morgue.

DVD Special Edition Release: Stephen King’s The Mist" - 2 disc Special Edition

DVD Classic Film Release: "Psycho" - Universal Legacy Series

DVD Collection: "The Godfather: The Coppola Restoration"

HOW IS THIS A SCIENCE FICTION, FANTASY OR HORROR FILM? It doesn't even fit into the lame Action/Adventure/Thriller category the Saturns use to award movies where things blow up without being blasted by robots first!

Series on DVD: "Moonlight"

Hahahahahahahahahaha! No really, what won?

Retro Series on DVD: "The Invaders"

The Life Career Award: Lance Henriksen


The Lifetime Achievement Award: Leonard Nimoy

Okay! Wait, how is this category different from the Life Career Award?

The Visionary Award: Jeffrey Katzenberg

For his push for 3D animation! Good enough.

And that wraps up another embarrassing edition of the Saturn Awards. Truly, the line between the Saturns and the Razzies grows thinner every year. See you next year, Saturns, when I look forward to seeing Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and Megan Fox sweep every category!
Tags: awards, horror, movies

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