International Bon Vivant and Raconteur (nick_kaufmann) wrote,
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur

There's a BODY in the WATER!

Can someone please explain to me why I'm still watching Law & Order: SVU? It's got to be one of the worst written shows on television. Here's the opening scene from this past Tuesday's episode:

Camera swoops down to show a group of people performing early morning tai chi on a bridge above the Hudson River.

Tai Chi Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the next move is called?

Old Lady with Smoker's Voice: Body in Water?

Tai Chi Teacher: No, it's called Snake [something or other].

Old Lady with Smoker's Voice: (overacting hilariously) No, I mean there's a BODY in the WATER!

Cut to dead body being pulled out of the river by police.

Seriously. I'm not even making that up. Who's writing this stuff, and why are they getting ten to twenty times my salary?

The acting isn't much better. I find neither Chris Maloney nor Mariska Hargitay to be compelling thespians, though admittedly it's hard to know how much of the fault is on them and how much is on the crappy material they have to work with. Richard Belzer is rarely on the show anymore, and when he is he looks dazed and out of it in the tinted sunglasses he wears even when he's inside. I keep hoping they'll give Ice-T more to do, but usually he just snarls some pathetic line and walks away from the camera. Who can blame him, really?

Yet I've been watching this show for ten years now, and I still can't find the inner strength to delete it from my DVR record list. The shame, it burns!

Curse you, Dick Wolf! I'm powerless over your show's terrible dialogue and hamhanded acting!
Tags: tv nerd
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