January 19th, 2012


Mark Wahlberg: Superhero

By now, you may have read Mark Wahlberg's ridiculous comments about 9/11 and, in particular, the fate of United flight 93. If not, feast your eyeballs on this bit of unbelievable dick-swinging:

Speaking to US magazine Men's Journal earlier this week, the 40-year-old star of films such as The Departed and Contraband claimed that if he had been with his children on one of the planes that was hijacked on September 11, 2001, "it wouldn't have went down like it did".

"There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry'," he continued.

In case you need help unpacking the subtext of his quote, 9/11 only happened because the people on the hijacked planes weren't as tough as Mark Wahlberg!

This from the guy who dedicated his 1992 memoir, Marky Mark, to his dick. Only now does that start to make sense. He is, clearly, a dick himself.

To his credit, he apologized pretty quickly, saying:

"To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with, and to suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible.

"I deeply apologise to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention."

One wonders what was his intention, then. We've all had fantasies about saving the lives that were lost, of fighting and defeating the hijackers, especially in the days right after 9/11, but if you look at his words that's not what he's saying. He's saying, in essence, that he, Marky Mark, is not only tougher than the passengers of United 93 who overpowered the terrorists and took control of the cockpit, but also magically has the ability to fly a commercial jetliner to a safe landing. Perhaps single-handedly, while using the other to punch Mohammed Atta repeatedly in the face. And let's throw in a simultaneous blowjob from a stewardess while we're at it, since we're already in the realm of ridiculous masturbatory fantasies.

I'm glad he apologized, but still, there's no excuse. Maybe Mark Wahlberg should go back to writing about his dick instead. At least that's a subject he's intimately familiar with.