March 12th, 2010


Just In Case You Thought Your Dreams Mattered

Hey, remember that young adult novel you're working on? The one you've been writing for, like, a year now, maybe longer? The one where you're putting all that work into researching and developing new forms of slang, and world-building, and maybe exploring the next logical steps in advanced technology or what IM/text-speak will look like two hundred years from now or how a haunted cell phone might operate, and pulling your hair out trying to remember what it feels like to be sixteen years old and faced with emotionally heightened examples of the human condition? How's that going?

There are a lot of great YA houses out there, and I bet you've already drawn up a wishlist of prospective publishers: Firebird, Razorbill, Little Brown, HarperTeen, Candlewick, etc. And maybe you've already started researching literary agents too. Good on ya. Your novel is going to be awesome. It's totally going to resonate with teens around the world, and with adults readers of YA too. It's going to introduce new readers to your favorite genre and create lifelong fans. It's going to be the new Harry Potter, the new Twilight--hell, it's going to be the new freakin' Chronicles of Prydain and it's going to stay in print that long and be read by generations!

Yeah, it's nice to have dreams.

Actress Hilary Duff has just signed a multi-book deal with Simon & Schuster to produce a series of young adult novels, the first of which is titled Elixir and will hit stores in October. According to a release from the publisher, the book “combines the overpowering allure of a dangerous love triangle with thrilling international adventure.”

Duff’s protagonist is a globe-trotting photojournalist who is attempting to unravel the mystery of her father’s disappearance. “I’ve always love the escape of a great book, especially one that features a strong, inspiring female character you feel you really understand,” says Duff.

Dreams? Hah! You were so silly to even have them!

But you know what? You can still make money doing what you love--writing. These celebrity novels don't write themselves, you know! Hell, the word "write" isn't even mentioned anywhere in the news item above. It just says that Duff will "produce" a series of young adult novels, and you know what that means. Someone has to do the actual work, and it ain't the celebrities who are lending their brands to the project. They've got more important things to do, like drink $10,000 bottles of champagne and snort coke off hookers' asses. But you? What have you got going on? So get to work, you filthy working-class scum, and make those celebrity "authors" look like they know how to put a simple English sentence together coherently!

Maybe someday one of these celebrities might return the favor and blurb your novel, and then maybe you'll have a slim chance of being published after all!