March 12th, 2009


A Nation Stands Stunned and Grieving

In shocking news no one could have ever seen coming, Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin have ended their engagement. In a statement made through her mother Sarah Palin's PAC, Bristol had this to say:

"Unfortunately, my family has seen many people say and do many things to 'cash in' on the Palin name. Sometimes that greed clouds good judgment and the truth."

I'm not entirely sure what she means, but one could interpret the statement to be about Johnston himself. Was he a gold digger eager to "cash in" on the wealth and fame that would no doubt come with being the country's best known teen dad? Or was he, as some suggest, simply a kid who made a mistake and got roped into proposing to his high school girlfriend for the sake of her mother's political aspirations? We may never know, at least not until the inevitable tell-alls and memoirs are written.

I don't mean to sound like an asshole or anything -- breaking up is hard, being a teen parent is hard, and doing both at once is even harder -- but seriously, you could have seen this coming from a mile away. They never looked all that comfortable with each other at the Republican National Convention or during any of the photo ops along the campaign trail. They're just some kids who went too far one night and didn't have protection. Unlike the thousands of other teenagers who've done the exact same thing, these two found themselves thrust into the national spotlight for it. That must have seriously sucked. Godspeed to both of them.

Please keep further public statements to a minimum, though. As long as the nation never finds out you're both actually inarticulate and self-centered kids, like all teenagers, and not the small-town, down-home, fresh-scrubbed, corn-fed, we-tried-to-do-the-right-thing-but-it-just-didn't-work-out angels they want to believe you are, everything will be fine.