February 12th, 2009


The Inner Nerd Speaks

Every once in a while, my inner nerd slips through and announces himself with a megaphone turned to 11 (see what I mean?). Yes, I get extremely tingly when I see the previews for the Watchmen movie, even though I'm approaching it with trepidation because it's by the same director who helmed the godawful 300. And yes, on last night's episode of Life on Mars, when Chris takes Sam to see the lone FBI agent who specializes in the paranormal and whose office is in the basement of the FBI building, I kept waiting for the Fox Mulder jokes. What makes me a nerd is not that I waited for them, but that I became angry when they didn't come. Surely Sam would have seen The X-Files, I thought furiously, and then when the shame hit a moment later I became glad no one could hear my thoughts.

Anyway, this is my way of saying that articles like this one from SciFi Wire still have some weird affect on me, even though I don't read comic books with any regularity, or follow what's happening in the storylines. It's entirely because of the nerd inside me. I shouldn't care, but I do. And now I share my shame with the world by detailing my inner nerd's exact responses to the information in the article when I read it.

The British Independent newspaper reports that DC Comics will introduce a red-haired lesbian Batwoman to take the place of Batman following his death two months ago.

Wait, what? Batman's dead? He can't be dead. THAT WOULD MEAN THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS ISN'T CANON!!!

The publisher of Detective Comics, which for 60 years has charted the recently deceased Bruce Wayne/Caped Crusader, revealed that future editions will star his longstanding female counterpart, whose real name is Kathy Kane, described as "a lesbian socialite by night and a crime-fighter by later in the night," the newspaper reported.

That's weird, I knew someone named Kathy Kane in college. Wait, recently deceased? What? BATMAN? Is...is Robin okay? Who is Robin these days, anyway?...Wait, did they say lesbian?

Batwoman will be the subject of at least 12 issues. It will be the most high-profile appearance by a gay superhero in any book published by the legendary DC Comics.

They did say lesbian! Good for you, DC Comics! There should be more gay role models in comics. Has there been one since the French Canadian speedster from Alpha Flight came out of the closet in the 1980s? Did Green Arrow and Green Lantern ever hook up? Yeah, I bet they totally did. And you know Zatanna swings both ways. I think that's the hidden code of her fishnets and tux tails outfit. Oh man, I think I just turned myself on.

Batwoman wears knee-high red stiletto boots and a figure-hugging black outfit.

Please. None of my lesbian friends dress like that. Hell, none of my female friends at all dress like that. Someday I'm going to write a blog entry about how ridiculous all the female superheroes look in their costumes. How are you supposed to protect yourself in a fight when your armored costume doesn't cover your exposed midriff? Also, how can I get my female friends to dress like this? At the very least they should come dressed in knee-high red stilettos and figure-hugging black spandex to my birthday party. I don't think that's asking too much. Wait, is Batman really dead?

The last episode of Detective Comics ended with Batman's millionaire alter-ego Bruce Wayne being ejected from a speeding aircraft without his cape and cowl. He is now presumed dead.

Oh! So not dead. Hahahahahahahahahaha! He's totally coming back in like six months, and then there'll be a miniseries about what happened to him while he was away, and I bet that guy Ra's al Ghul shows up in it. He always shows up. Or is he dead too? Nah. Okay, everything's cool. I think I'll go do a Google image search for Zatanna now.