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International Bon Vivant and Raconteur

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January 25th, 2009

Worst Use of Money That Could've Been Used to Feed the Poor Instead [Jan. 25th, 2009|11:55 am]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
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It's late January, folks, and you know what that means -- the nominees for the 29th Annual Golden Raspberries Awards, or Razzies, have been announced, "honoring" what this fine organization believes are the worst theatrically released movies of last year. "Winners" will be announced at an awards ceremony in Hollywood on Saturday, February 21 (my birthday, fittingly enough!). And now, for your morbid-curiosity pleasure, I present the nominees:

Worst Picture
Disaster Movie
Meet the Spartans
The Happening
The Hottie and the Nottie
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
The Love Guru
(Apparently the only reason The Spirit isn't on this list is because it was released just after the cut off date.)

Worst Actor
Larry the Cable Guy in WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy in MEET DAVE
Mike Myers in THE LOVE GURU
Al Pacino in 88 MINUTES and RIGHTEOUS KILL
Mark Wahlberg in THE HAPPENING and MAX PAYNE

Worst Actress
Jessica Alba in THE EYE and THE LOVE GURU
The Cast of THE WOMEN (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan)
Cameron Diaz in WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton in THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Kate Hudson in FOOLS’ GOLD and MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL
(No surprise to see Jessica Alba nominated for bad acting in two different movies. She's awful in everything. I am surprised to see the cast of THE WOMEN, though. That movie's failure had nothing to do with the cast, but rather the awful script and direction.)

Worst Supporting Actor
Uwe Boll (as Himself) in UWE BOLL’S POSTAL
Pierce Brosnan in MAMMA MIA!
Ben Kingsley in THE LOVE GURU, WAR, INC. and THE WACKNESS
Burt Reynolds in DEAL and IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
Verne Troyer in THE LOVE GURU and UWE BOLL’S POSTAL
(Did Ben Kingsley need a new mansion or something? What happened to the man who burned up the screen in SEXY BEAST?)

Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra in DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Paris Hilton in REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
Kim Kardashian in DISASTER MOVIE
Jenny McCarthy in WITLESS PROTECTION
Leelee Sobieski in 88 MINUTES and IN THE NAME OF THE KING
(I think this is something like Carmen Electra's tenth nomination for being in these shitty spoofs. Nice to see the new, even less talented Carmen Electra, Kim Kardashian, getting some Razzies attention as well. I feel bad for Leelee Sobieski, though. She used to be a good actress who chose good roles.)

Worst Screen Couple
Uwe Boll & any Actor, Camera or Screenplay
Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher in WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore in THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE
Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy in WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy in MEET DAVE
(Oh snap, take that, Uwe Boll!)

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
The Day The Earth Blowed Up Real Good
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
Speed Racer
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
(Ouch! THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL isn't even good enough to warrant the use of its actual title! Also, I hope CRYSTAL SKULL wins because it was the most disappointing. Everyone knew the other movies would suck. We all had hope for Indy.)

Worst Director
Uwe Boll for 1968: TUNNEL RATS, IN THE NAME OF THE KING and POSTAL
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer for DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Tom Putnam for THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Marco Schnabel for THE LOVE GURU
M. Night Shyamalan for THE HAPPENING
(Uwe Boll had three movies come out this past year? All aspiring filmmakers should just give up now.)

Worst Screenplay
Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans BOTH WRITTEN BY JASON FRIEDBERG & AARON SELTZER
The Happening WRITTEN BY M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN
The Hottie And The Nottie WRITTEN BY HEIDI FERRER
In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale WRITTEN BY DOUG TAYLOR
The Love Guru WRITTEN BY MIKE MYERS & GRAHAM GORDY

Worst Career Achievement (special category)
Uwe Boll (Germany's answer to Ed Wood)
(Mark my words. Some day there will be a biopic about Uwe Boll that stars the future version of Johnny Depp, and afterward everyone will download Boll's entire oeuvre into their heads for instant viewing, and then everyone will claim they always loved his movies even when others didn't because they got it, man, they truly understood him like no one else did. At that point, you can start laughing your cryogenically frozen head off.)
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You Know You're Getting Old When... [Jan. 25th, 2009|07:37 pm]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
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...you not only remember when Art of Noise remade the Peter Gunn theme, you actually liked it.

And yes, that's Rik Mayall as the gumshoe!
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