?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Nicholas Kaufmann's Journal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur

[ website | nicholaskaufmann.com ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

December 1st, 2008

I Got Yer Blurb Right Here [Dec. 1st, 2008|10:33 am]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
[Tags|]

Dear Authors,

If you write successfully under your own name and also have a lesser-known pseudonym, please do not write blurbs for your own work. Blurbing yourself is bad form. I shouldn't even have to tell you that.

Sincerely,
Nick
Link47 comments|Leave a comment

Caption Contest Results [Dec. 1st, 2008|05:06 pm]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
I guess we were all getting high on the front steps of Twilight star Kristen Stewart's house, because all the captions you guys came up with for the latest contest were hilarious! Why do you keep making it so hard for me to choose? If only there were something I could do to take the edge off and mellow out!



THE WINNER
"Check it out, even that homeless dude on the corner is sparkling...thanks to angel dust." - nihilistic_kid

THE RUNNERS-UP
"*Puff* How much of this shit do I have to smoke before Twilight makes sense?" - seferin

"If I still remember the reviews after this, I'm going to make you buy me more smack." - readingthedark

"Are you sure this shit works better than beer goggles? I have to kiss Mr. Fucking Sparklycorpse for two more films." - godofchickens

Congratulations, nihilistic_kid, on providing the best caption! All your hard work and perseverance through numerous caption contests has paid off! And your prize? Stoned fumblings on the couch with a movie star! By which I mean Kristen Stewart, not the movie star of your choice. Just pray she doesn't slip her purity ring back on!
Link3 comments|Leave a comment

I Will Never Eat Flan Again, Ever [Dec. 1st, 2008|07:07 pm]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
Found via crevette, whom I will now kill:



Take a good look at the subtitle on the cover. Can you read it? Yes, this is real. Don't let the flan on the cover fool you, either -- it's not just for making creamy dessert toppings! Here's a sample recipe:

ALMOST WHITE RUSSIAN

2 oz Vodka
1 oz Coffee liqueur
1/2 oz semen
cream or milk
ice cubes

Pour vodka, semen and coffee liqueur over ice cubes and top up the glass with milk or cream.


Still not quite feeling queasy enough? Never fear! Natural Harvest has just the thing:

MAN MADE OYSTERS

Cleaned oyster shells
Chilled fresh semen, the more the better
Ice
Lemon and pepper garnish

First clean the oyster shells in cold water. Do not use soap since the shell easily absorbs the nasty taste of soap. Spoon the chilled, fresh semen into each shell. Serve simply on ice with just a squeeze of fresh lemon and maybe a grind of black pepper.

Chef's note: A true semen connoisseur might forego the lemon and pepper in favor of the non-adulterated semen flavor.


Yeah, that should do it. You're welcome, Internet!

More information on Natural Harvest, should you actually want it, can be found here.
Link67 comments|Leave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | December 1st, 2008 ]
[ go | Previous Day|Next Day ]