October 21st, 2008


Ralph the Unhappy Party Pumpkin

Picture this: Sunday night. Urban back yard, which means the twelve-by-ten fenced-in space behind a small townhouse apartment building. Grill. Burgers. Beer. Electric carvers. A random assortment of knives of all shapes and sizes. And pumpkins. Lots and lots of pumpkins.

That's right, it was the annual Pumpkin Carving Contest! Since everyone from trivia night's Team Totally Tits was there, we decided to come together once again as Team Totally Pumpkin and win first prize. What was first prize, you ask? Why, it was an off-brand, pseudo-WWE championship belt made of plastic and built, obviously, for very skinny children. Oh, and it said HAMPION instead of CHAMPION. Thanks for asking!

Our foolproof plan for winning the HAMPION belt? Ralph the Unhappy Party Pumpkin. We carved, brilliantly, a pumpkin who'd gotten sick from too much partying. Really, really sick. He was puking from the front (pumpkin guts and seeds) and pooping from the back (pumpkin guts and seeds rubbed in dirt) and surrounded by empty beer bottles (made from actual empty beer bottles). It was awesome. It was gross. It had to be set up on its own table because that's how we roll, y'all. We don't just carve pumpkins, we make mofoing pumpkin displays! I wish I'd taken a picture of this thing. It was truly a work of art. Gross, disgusting art.

So of course someone else carves a pumpkin that looks like two people having sex doggy-style and WINS. Please. Sure, it was an amazing carving, and yes, the woman had little boobies and long hair with individual strands, and the guy had a bubble-butt, and basically the whole thing was amazingly done, and by only one person at that, but...really? Our pumpkin was puking and pooping! Come on, people!

Whatever. Blinding the judges with sex acts carved into your pumpkin should result in disqualification. Oh, and we didn't come in second or third place either. It's like people don't appreciate a good puke-and-poop pumpkin anymore or something.