August 20th, 2008


Hollywood Spits in Own Mouth, Asks for More

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Juliet Snowden and Stiles White have been signed by MGM to script the studio's remake of POLTERGEIST. A director and start date haven't been set yet for the redux of the 1982 hit, directed by Tobe Hooper and produced (and some say co-helmed) by Steven Spielberg, in which malevolent spirits abduct the youngest daughter of a suburban family whose house is built on ancient burial grounds.

In case you don't recognize the names, Snowden and White also wrote 2005's shitty, nonsensical Boogeyman (itself a semi-remake) and the script for the planned remake of The Birds, which -- thank god for small miracles -- appears to have been scrapped as a project.

That's it. I'm done. Why am I -- or why is anyone -- trying to write anything new and original? What I really ought to be doing is watching my favorite old horror movies, writing one-paragraph pitches for the remake ("Instead of a regular train, now Terror Train takes place on the Acela!") and then spend the other twenty-three hours in the day rolling around in large piles of money while snorting coke off hookers' asses.

Update: Done! Michael Bay already called to make an offer from Platinum Dunes for my remake pitch of DR. BUTCHER, M.D. Except now, instead of being a disgraced doctor who practices his trade on a cannibal tribe on a remote island, he's an exclusive Beverly Hills plastic surgeon!

McSweeney's Hits One Out of the Ballpark