August 11th, 2008


My Conversation with Professor X

*ring, ring*

Professor X: Hello?

Me: Hello? Is this Professor Xavier?

Professor X: Yes. And it's pronounces ECKS-zavier.

Me: Seriously? The X is pronounced like that? I always thought that was an idiot fanboy mistake!

Professor X: A what mistake?

Me: Nothing. Anyway, you're probably wondering why I'm calling. I'd like to join the X-Men.

Professor X: Ah, well, there's a form we can send you. Takes about six to eight weeks to process. Longer if we have to outsource it to Alpha Flight in Canada due to volume and Magneto-related delays. Can I have your mailing address, please?

Me: Don't you want to know what my power is?

Professor X: Okay.

Me: Invisibility.

Professor X: Invisibility? Spectacular. I'd love to see this, can you come by the mansion?

Me: Sure. I'll bring my cloak.

Professor X: Your...cloak?

Me: My invisibility cloak. It's real, you know. Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley, made it.

Professor X: Ah. So it's not a mutant power. You weren't born with it.

Me: So?

Professor X: We only take mutants here.

Me: That's reverse discrimination! Why am I being punished for not being a freak like you?

Professor X: Excuse me?

Me: Ow, why does my head hurt all of a sudden?

Professor X: Heh heh heh. Anyway, have you considered calling the Justice League? I'm sure they'll be happy to set up an interview.

Me: Do you have any idea how expensive it is to call a satellite? Why do you think I called you first, baldy? It wasn't so I could get tips on pimping my wheelchair. Ow! My head!

Professor X: Heh heh heh. Logan, you gotta check out what I'm doing to this numbnut over the phone. *muffled response* Yeah, totally! Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Me: Fuck it. That's it. I'm going supervillain now.

Professor X: Really? Just because I said no?

Me: Yeah. It's all your fault. You made me what I am today, ECKS-zavier! Prepare for my vengeance!

Professor X: Right. Okay. Bye now.

Me: Hey, you can't just hang up on me--

*dial tone*

A Sad Day in Trivia Town

Fifth place. Ergh.

Team Totally Tits was down to two players tonight, so we actually wound up merging with another team, Audioslave supergroup-like, to form Jump the Shark instead. (So at least T3's win ratio remains unchanged after tonight's crushing defeat.)

The whole evening was brutal. After doing okay on the first round, the Grab Bag of random questions, round two sent us plummeting toward the bottom of the standings -- a round of entirely Olympics related questions. Only one team member is even watching the Olympics this year, and even he was having a tough time. Round three, the visual round, was easy -- naming dog breeds based on illustrations. We accidentally identified a malamute as a husky, but other than that we pretty much aced it. Unfortunately, so did everyone else, so it didn't really help us.

At this point we were hoping for a round based on Dr. Who or something equally nerdy so we could pull ahead, but unfortunately we had no such luck. Round four was the human body. Again, we didn't flunk it, but we didn't come out on top either. (Regarding the common names for the bones of the ear, we totally forgot stirrup, but at least we remembered hammer and anvil!)

Round five, the audio round -- game show themes, with an extra point if you could name the host as well. You'd think your faithful TV Nerd would have aced this round even on his own, but I swear to God I only recognized fewer than half the theme songs. My teammates were equally stumped. I think too much time may have passed between the Let's Make a Deal days and now. Absolutely crushing, and embarrassing to boot.

Hopefully, Team Totally Tits will regroup for the next trivia night, Monday, September 8, and retake the trophy from two-time winners Team Awesome Face.