July 31st, 2008


Four Million Freaking Dollars!

Hello. My name is Amazon.com.

Back in December of last year, I bought a handwritten book of fairytales by J.K. Rowling -- called The Tales of Beedle the Bard -- at a Sotheby's auction for $4 million. I was assured it was one of only seven in the whole wide world, and that's why I spent four million freaking dollars on it! Hello, collector's edition?

*deep breath* Sorry. No, I'm okay, thanks. I just... *deep breath* Let me continue.

And then today, I see this article... *breathes into paper bag* There's this article, see. And there's J.K. (that's what I call her) being quoted as saying, "There was understandable disappointment among Harry Potter fans when only one copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard was offered to the public last December," said Rowling. Followed by an announcement...

Oh god. *breathes into paper bag*

Followed by an announcement that Bloomsbury and Scholastic will be publishing a fucking $14.95, worldwide-distribution edition of the same goddamn book I spent four million freaking dollars on! And not only that, it'll feature additional commentary on each fairytale from Professor Albus "spoiler alert--I'm fucking dead" Dumbledore, and an introduction by Rowling herself! Aargh! *tears out hair*

Of course, when asked if this was all right I gave her my blessing. "Oh, it's honkey-dorey," I said into the telephone, tearing up the pages I'd spent four million freaking dollars on and tossing them into the fireplace. As a thank you, she sent me a box of chocolates. I've broken open each piece with eager anticipation but can find no checks for $4 million in any of them. What a c**t.

Oh, but I'll have my revenge. Oh yes. Better together: Buy this book with AN AXE TO YOUR FUCKING HEAD today! Customers who bought this item have also bought...DEATH!

*breathes into paper bag*

No, I'm okay now, I'm okay. I'm okay.