January 3rd, 2008


Iowa Day

It's Iowa Day here, and you know what that means: the next President of the United States will be all but decided by a group of strangers shuffling to different sides of a room while drinking punch, eating cookies and wondering just how long that sticky maple syrup stain has been on their down jacket. Yes, caucusing is outdated and placing this much power in the hands of a single, only mildly populated state is silly, but it's a tradition, so what can you do?

I've been thinking about it for months now -- unavoidable, since the news for the past 12 months has focused on the forthcoming presidential election -- and I believe I can make an educated guess as to what the tickets will look like for November.

John Edwards (p)
Barack Obama (vp)

John McCain (p)
Mike Huckabee (vp)

Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney will both most likely be eliminated during the primaries, much to their surprise. I also predict Rudy Giuliani will last longer than expected, though he will not survive the primaries either.

McCain will choose Huckabee as a running mate because he knows the only way the Republicans can win this year is to lock in the religious conservative vote, but not being a religious conservative himself, Huckabee's history as a pastor can bring them to the ticket in a way that Mitt Romney's history as an abortion-loving Mormon would not be able to.

Edwards winning the Democratic nomination may be wishful thinking on my part, but I suspect this is indeed how things will shake out. No way in hell will he choose Clinton as his running mate, and I get the sense he hates all the other candidates except maybe Richardson, but he'll choose Obama as his running mate in the end (to form what will come to be known as the Oh-My-God-Squeee Ticket in a future issue of Tiger Beat).

Also, look for a disgraced Fred Thompson's return to Law & Order by March.