November 17th, 2006


Deep Fried Cookies are the Devil's Plaything

Last night I went over to sarahlangan and J.T. Petty's swanky abode for a dinner party. They always throw nice dinners. This time I got to meet a few of J.T.'s friends, including an entertainment lawyer with a remarkable resemblance to dean_italiano and a woman who plays roller derby for the Brooklyn Bombshells under the name Leggs Luthor (Valuable Lesson #1: roller derby players, like professional wrestlers and burlesque dancers, have stage names). There was lots of wine, otherworldly purple cauliflower and homemade deep-fried fish sticks. I brought chocolate chip cookies for dessert, and in a moment of lunacy we decided to deep-fry the cookies too. That was a big, but delicious, mistake. When I left, my stomach felt like it was going to pop. Valuable Lesson #2: No more deep-fried cookies for me. They are the devil's plaything.
Godzilla Breath

Buy O.J.'s Book or Abused Women Will Continue to Suffer!

The story behind O.J. Simpson's mind-boggling bit of literary murder-masturbation, If I Did It, is getting crazier and crazier. Apparently now Judith Regan, head of her own well known HarperCollins imprint, has admitted the only reason she agreed to publish the book is because her ex-husband abused her and, according to the 2,200-word statement first released exclusively to Rupert Murdoch's media, "because I wanted him, and the men who broke my heart and your hearts, to tell the truth, to confess their sins, to do penance and to amend their lives." She goes on to say, "What I wanted was closure, not money," but obviously Regan doesn't understand that this isn't about her or the men who broke her heart. Her search for emotional closure in her own abusive situation has nothing to do with the Simpson case, yet somehow she merged the two in her lunacy and seems to think this book will somehow end her own emotional trauma. Also, for someone more interested in closure than money, it would have been nice to maybe have the proceeds going to charity or the families of the victims. They're not. They're going to some mysterious "third party" who came up with the idea but whom no one will name. I wonder if this mysterious person's initials are RM.

But the insanity doesn't stop there. It's spreading outward from Simpson's Patient 0 like bird flu, first to Regan, then to the booksellers themselves.

According to Publishers Lunch, Vroman's of Pasadena announced that it doesn't want any part of it, but it also doesn't want to interfere with customers' choice, so they decided "not to proft from this title and will therefore be donating all proceeds from its sale to The Nicole Brown Foundation." Quail Ridge Books & Music is doing something similar, donating all proceeds to a nonprofit shelter for battered women and children. So is Green Apple Books in San Francisco.

To which I say -- and I hope you'll pardon my language -- fuck you. Fuck you for doing exactly the wrong thing, Vroman's, Quail Ridge and Green Apple. You're still giving money to Regan Books/HarperCollins for publishing it, you're still putting money in the pocket of the mysterious third party who signed the contract, you're still running the risk of putting O.J. -- acquitted of murder in a court of law, but still obviously a wife beater and batfuck crazy -- back in the spotlight, which is the only place he thrives, back on the TV talk shows, and maybe even on the bestseller lists.

But the biggest fuck you is for making your customers feel like they're not doing their part to support battered women if they don't buy O.J.'s book. Fuck you for making every reader on the fence about buying this book decide to do it because "hey, it's for a good cause." If I had seventeen middle fingers, it wouldn't be enough to flip at you.

You want no part of it, booksellers? Don't carry the fucking book. Don't reward anyone involved with it by buying copies for your store. If your customers want it, special order it for them, but don't you fucking dare pretend you're taking the high road here.