July 9th, 2006


More Masters of Horror

The first disc in the latest batch of Masters of Horror episode DVDs, John Landis' Deer Woman, is complete shit. It's about a really hot woman who seduces men and then stamps them to death with her deer legs (!) because she's an American Indian legend and that's what American Indian legends do, or something. Oh, and she doesn't talk. Men talk to her, but she never says anything back. All she does is smile, bat her eyelashes, and take her top off. If you're thinking this sounds like it was written by a nineteen-year-old boy, you're right. It was written by Landis' son Max.

The script is hamhanded, the acting terrible and the dialogue cringe-worthy. The sight of this woman running down the street on her ridiculous deer legs is enough to make you give serious consideration to turning off the DVD. Also, don't get me started on how this woman could walk into a crowded casino -- because we're dealing with American Indians, after all, and apparently when they're not in sweat lodges or on vision quests they're running casinos -- without anyone noticing she has the legs of a fucking deer. People look at women's shoes all the time, and it would be exactly .004 seconds before someone noticed she had hooves instead of Manolos. Landis, who's better known for comedies than horror, tries to ramp up the humor, but it all falls flat, with the possible exception a sort-of-funny sequence where the protagonist, played by Brian Benben imitating a piece of wood with a five o'clock shadow, tries to work out a crime scene scenario in his head, but even that goes on for at least a beat too long. The whole thing is nonsense and rivals Chocolate for the title of Worst Masters of Horror Episode Ever.

The other episode in this batch is Lucky McKee's Sick Girl, which I have higher hopes for. There's a Very Long Wait for it on Netflix, though, so I'll review it when it eventually shows up.