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April 23rd, 2006

STAR WARS: ANOTHER HOPE - The Only Surviving Chapter [Apr. 23rd, 2006|11:41 pm]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
Using her skills as the most powerful Jedi in all the universe, not to mention the most beautiful one too, even more beautiful than Princess Leia, who hadn't been born yet, Padmala Jareo, who insisted on being called by her childhood nickname Lori because that made her cool, burst into Darth Sidius' hideout on Hothtooine. Sidius' evil henchmen raced at her, blasting their blasters in quick, deadly blasts!

Pshew! Pshew! Pshew!

They didn't realize Lori Jareo was the most powerful Jedi in the universe and the fastest with a blaster this side of the fast-blaster pits of Ontrokia.

Pshew! Pshew!

She hit every one of them square in the chest. Standing over their still smoldering bodies, Lori Jareo blew the laser smoke off the tip of her blaster. She really was the fastest with a blaster, and they had been fools to try to stop her from achieving her important, necessary goal, which would save the whole universe from evil. Everyone was counting on her. "You can do it!" they all said when they realized there was no one else strong, smart or beautiful enough for the job. Except Yoda, who said, "Do it, you can!"

Just then, a door opened in the wall and Han Solo rushed into the room, embracing Lori Jareo and crushing her to his lips. The kiss awakened a thousand supernovas in Lori Jareo's soul.

"But...you haven't even been born yet," Lori Jareo whispered once he finally stopped kissing her, which was a really long time because he loved her so much.

"It doesn't matter," Han declared. "My love for you is so strong it pulled me through time and space to be with you. I love you, Lori Jareo! There's no other woman for me!"

"I love you too, Han Solo!" This time it was her turn to crush him to her lips.

Just then, Chewbacca burst through the door in the wall, shouting, "Noooooooooooooo!" Except it sounded more like Grrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!, but Lori Jareo, like her boyfriend forever Han Solo, understood Wookie.

"What is it, old friend?" Han asked in between hot kisses with me Lori Jareo.

Before Chewie could explain, another door opened, and this time Jaktar the Hutt emerged on a floating platform. The weird muppet thing sitting next to him tittered, "Hee hee hee!"

"Oh no! It's Jaktar the Hutt, Jabba's father!" Lori Jareo cried.

Jaktar the Hutt eyed Lori, Han and Chewie with his big, evil eyes and laughed, "Ho ho ho hoooo...Jareooooo..."

[Here the manuscript ends. Only this fragment remains. Who knows what further adventures would have awaited these beloved characters had Lucasfilm Ltd. not stepped in and prevented the author from selling her so-called "fanfic" novel on Amazon.com? Sadly, we are forced only to imagine.]
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