January 26th, 2006


Let Us All Now Rise and Say Hail Satan

One of the great things about the United States is that anyone can run for public office. You don't have to be rich or from a certain area, you don't have to have attended a particular school or come from a particular family. In fact, you can even be a Satanist and give yourself the nickname "The Impaler", just like Jonathon Sharkey, who's running for Governor of Minnesota (hi, yoppulent!). After a boa-and-sunglasses-wearing professional wrestler, why not a Governor who worships Lucifer?

With that being said, you know you're through the political looking glass when a candidate's platform starts with:

My name is Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey, Ph.D., L.D.D.D. I am a Satanic Dark Priest, Sanguinarian Vampyre and a Hecate Witch. My Magikal Path name is: Lord Ares.

I despise and hate the Christian God the Father. He is my enemy.

Though, like all politicians, he immediately retracts his own balls a moment after showing he has any.

However, it doesn't mean that I hate all his followers. This Country was founded on religious rights and freedoms. This is guaranteed under the 1st Amendment of our great constitution. This right allows me to worship Lucifer and the Goddess Hecate, just as it allows you to worship the Goddess/God of your choice.

I guess this is sort of the Left-Hand Path version of "I voted for the 85 million after not voting for it," or whatever convoluted pretzel-twist Kerry came up with back in '04 that made lots of people who hated Bush wind up voting for Bush anyway. Just because "The Impaler" hates your god and considers him his sworn enemy (because of a woman, no less!) doesn't mean he's judging you.

He'll be cool about it. The hordes of goat-horned, cloven-hooved demons he'll let loose in all the public schools will kill indiscriminately, regardless of each child's religion. And who doesn't think the streets of Minneapolis/St. Paul wouldn't look lovely as a flowing red river of blood? I've seen downtown St. Paul. It could use some color.

So this Fall (look, a Satanic pun!), please consider voting for Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey. If California can have the Governator, why shouldn't Minnesota have the Governucifer?