International Bon Vivant and Raconteur ([info]nick_kaufmann) wrote,
@ 2008-12-01 19:07:00
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I Will Never Eat Flan Again, Ever
Found via [info]crevette, whom I will now kill:



Take a good look at the subtitle on the cover. Can you read it? Yes, this is real. Don't let the flan on the cover fool you, either -- it's not just for making creamy dessert toppings! Here's a sample recipe:

ALMOST WHITE RUSSIAN

2 oz Vodka
1 oz Coffee liqueur
1/2 oz semen
cream or milk
ice cubes

Pour vodka, semen and coffee liqueur over ice cubes and top up the glass with milk or cream.


Still not quite feeling queasy enough? Never fear! Natural Harvest has just the thing:

MAN MADE OYSTERS

Cleaned oyster shells
Chilled fresh semen, the more the better
Ice
Lemon and pepper garnish

First clean the oyster shells in cold water. Do not use soap since the shell easily absorbs the nasty taste of soap. Spoon the chilled, fresh semen into each shell. Serve simply on ice with just a squeeze of fresh lemon and maybe a grind of black pepper.

Chef's note: A true semen connoisseur might forego the lemon and pepper in favor of the non-adulterated semen flavor.


Yeah, that should do it. You're welcome, Internet!

More information on Natural Harvest, should you actually want it, can be found here.



(Post a new comment)


[info]txtriffidranch
2008-12-02 12:31 am UTC (link)
Oh, he's just greasing the pan. It's special grease.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 12:34 am UTC (link)
I wonder how quickly the title Cooking With Cum was changed to Natural Harvest?

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[info]vschanoes
2008-12-02 12:34 am UTC (link)
Don't ever post anything like this on my friends page ever, ever again.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 12:34 am UTC (link)
You are welcome!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 12:37 am UTC (link)
Also: http://beta.yudu.com/item/details/13884/Sample-Version---The-Testicle-Cookbook

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]vschanoes, 2008-12-02 12:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 12:45 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]vschanoes, 2008-12-02 12:46 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 12:48 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]teratologist, 2008-12-02 02:03 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 02:20 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]teratologist, 2008-12-02 02:29 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 02:30 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]rosefox, 2008-12-02 05:10 am UTC

[info]snurri
2008-12-02 12:35 am UTC (link)
FINALLY.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 12:37 am UTC (link)
I know! And to think of all the fresh ingredients I foolishly squandered all these years!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]livia_llewellyn, 2008-12-02 01:30 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 01:32 am UTC

[info]marcy_italiano
2008-12-02 01:00 am UTC (link)
That can't be serious. At least not human. Right?

Come on. ;)

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 01:31 am UTC (link)
Ewww, that would make it even worse! Wouldn't you at least want it to be your own or your partner's?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]marcy_italiano, 2008-12-02 01:41 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 02:18 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]suricattus, 2008-12-02 02:36 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]marcy_italiano, 2008-12-02 04:03 am UTC

[info]ferragus
2008-12-02 01:01 am UTC (link)
Oh My Gawd!

Of course you know, this means war.

For the greater good of the Intertubes, you must be eliminated.

War Tubas at the ready!

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 01:31 am UTC (link)
Shock and awe, baby. Shock and awe.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]pabba
2008-12-02 01:10 am UTC (link)
I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME READ THIS!

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 01:31 am UTC (link)
You're welcome!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]catsparx
2008-12-02 01:13 am UTC (link)
I am never reading your blog at lunchtime again.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 01:31 am UTC (link)
Oh god, I'm sorry...

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]catsparx, 2008-12-02 01:36 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 01:40 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]catsparx, 2008-12-02 01:43 am UTC

[info]crevette
2008-12-02 01:22 am UTC (link)
Dude, at least I made it a clickable link. You just let it all hang out.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 01:32 am UTC (link)
Yeah, I made a real mess all over everything.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]crevette, 2008-12-02 01:56 am UTC

[info]jeffpalmatier
2008-12-02 01:45 am UTC (link)
Could this be a joke?

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 02:18 am UTC (link)
If only!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]cinriter
2008-12-02 01:46 am UTC (link)
"Do not use soap since the shell easily absorbs the nasty taste of soap."

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 02:19 am UTC (link)
I know, I had the same thought. Ha!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]lokilokust
2008-12-02 02:03 am UTC (link)
i think i need to get that.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 02:19 am UTC (link)
Then give it to Tomo for Tomoviewing.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]lokilokust, 2008-12-02 02:21 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 02:30 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]lokilokust, 2008-12-02 02:32 am UTC

[info]benpeek
2008-12-02 02:31 am UTC (link)
well, the xmas shopping is now complete.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 02:32 am UTC (link)
"Merry Christmas, mom!"

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]benpeek, 2008-12-02 02:34 am UTC

[info]suricattus
2008-12-02 02:38 am UTC (link)
y'know, it's a sad commentary on...something that you're not the first person on my f-list to mention this.

All I can say is, a straight guy must have come up with the idea.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 02:41 am UTC (link)
I can't tell what gender the name Fotie Photenhauer is, but it takes all kinds!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) - [info]suricattus, 2008-12-02 03:04 am UTC
(no subject) - [info]nick_kaufmann, 2008-12-02 04:00 am UTC

[info]angielabrie
2008-12-02 03:16 am UTC (link)
Please see the latest post I submitted. You got my response there, Good Sir ;o)

(Reply to this)

eee!
[info]secritcrush
2008-12-02 07:00 am UTC (link)
Wow, between your post and this one, it's been a hell of a morning to get the internet back.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: eee!
[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 02:19 pm UTC (link)
You gotta love when ethnicity becomes a fetish.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]krisname
2008-12-02 03:07 pm UTC (link)
MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 03:38 pm UTC (link)
You're welcome!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]barbarienne
2008-12-02 04:54 pm UTC (link)
I confess that part of me is reacting with, "Well, it's not as if no one ever swallows."

But the rapid secondary reaction is, "But why would anyone need to cook with it?" What does it add to the flavor? Wouldn't it be easier to control the taste using regular salt, which has a consistent, uniform composition?

I wonder if the book has a section on "specialty" or "gourmet" semen, taken from a fellow who has been encouraged to gorge on specific foods.

Yes, this is my psychological defense mechanism: think about it in a clinical fashion. Nick, you suck.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-02 05:09 pm UTC (link)
I confess that part of me is reacting with, "Well, it's not as if no one ever swallows."

Right, but that's all about context and your partner and being into it. Cooking semen into your flan is just plain sneaky! I hope everyone who uses this cookbook will at least warn their dinner guests before-hand!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]madpoet7
2008-12-02 08:21 pm UTC (link)
I don't see why anyone is surprised. Isn't this just the next logical progression in the organic / green movement? I wonder what the starving children in China will think...

Perhaps a semen-fueled car is now in the works? Oh, the possibilities. LOL!

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-03 04:01 am UTC (link)
That would be a new form of bio-fuel!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]momsmilkrules
2008-12-03 05:37 am UTC (link)
Do they have placenta and breast milk recipes also?

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-03 05:58 am UTC (link)
Eww, no, that would be gross!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]godofchickens
2008-12-03 04:20 pm UTC (link)
So, you're looking for a Christmas present, is that it?

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-03 04:32 pm UTC (link)
You've seen through my sneaky plan!

(Reply to this) (Parent)


[info]realthog
2008-12-06 02:45 pm UTC (link)

STOP PRESS

But it's not just any old semen you should use, clearly: check out http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7767877.stm.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]nick_kaufmann
2008-12-06 03:12 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for reminding me to throw up again!

Interesting news story. I'm not sure I believe it at this stage.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


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