Republican Comedy Hour
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Republican Comedy Hour! You're going to hear some fine comedy from our guests tonight, but let me just take a moment to remind you that there's a eight house two drink minimum. Please tip your lobbyists waiters, they work hard bringing you all expense paid golfing trips to Scotland drinks all night, and the only thing more tired than their feet are the jokes you're about to hear! Okay, okay, I'm kidding! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our first act, the comedy stylings of Senator John McCain and Governor Sarah Palin!

"How many saw her speech a couple of nights ago? Wasn't it fabulous?" McCain said Friday during a campaign stop in Cedarburg, Wisconsin. "You know what I enjoyed the most? She took the luxury jet that was purchased by her predecessor and sold it on eBay — and made a profit."

But it turns out the twin-engine Westwind II was a tough sell on the Web — and the state eventually pulled it offline and sold it through an ordinary brick-and-mortar brokerage, for a loss, a spokeswoman said Friday.

When putting it on eBay failed, aircraft broker Rob Heckmann was called in to sell the jet. Businessman Larry Reynolds bought the five-passenger jet for $2.1 million. And Reynolds is now seeking another $50,000 from the state for unexpected maintenance issues with the aircraft.

Hahahahahahahaha! Wasn't that great, folks? Now you're in for a treat. We have a very special guest with us tonight. Please put your hands together for the Republican Representative from Georgia, Lynn Westmoreland!

“Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mr. Obama, Sen. Obama, they’re a member of an elitist-class individual that thinks that they’re uppity,” Westmoreland said, according to the Capitol Hill Newspaper the Hill.

Westmoreland's spokesman, Brian Robinson, insisted the congressman did not know the word has been used with a racially derogatory intent against African-Americans.

"When describing the Obamas as part of an elite class, Congressman Westmoreland also used a synonym for elitist: uppity. He was using the dictionary definition of the word, which is having 'an inflated self-esteem' or 'snobbish.' He stands by that characterization and thinks it accurately describes the Democratic nominee. He was unaware that the word had racial overtones and he had absolutely no intention of using a word that can be considered offensive," Robinson said.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! *claps* And now, please show some love for the Republican chairman of the Alaskan House Rules Committee, John Coghill!

Key Alaska allies of John McCain are trying to derail a politically charged investigation into Gov. Sarah Palin's firing of her public safety commissioner in order to prevent a so-called "October surprise" that would produce embarrassing information about the vice presidential candidate on the eve of the election.

In a move endorsed by the McCain campaign Friday, John Coghill, the GOP chairman of the state House Rules Committee, wrote a letter seeking a meeting of Alaska's bipartisan Legislative Council in order to remove the Democratic state senator in charge of the so-called "troopergate" investigation.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha! WOOO! YEAH! *wipes tear from eye* Because the state senator in charge is a Democrat! Get it? Only the Republican Party can police the Republican Party without bias! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

Good night, everybody! Drive safe! And remember, if it's not a lie, mind-bogglingly ignorant, or completely fucking corrupt, it's not the Republican Party! Good night!