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Hollywood Chokes on Own Vomit in Hotel Bathroom. A Nation Mourns. [Jan. 28th, 2008|11:14 am]
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur
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Let me preface this by saying that John Cleese and Jennifer Connelly are two of my favorite people. Really, Cleese can always make me laugh, and I've had an Inappropriate Celebrity Crush on Connelly since she and I were teenagers. But this news makes me want to do serious drugs so I can forever frolic with chocolate unicorns in the valley of rainbows and forget all about the horrifying ouroboros that is Hollywood.

Monty Python veteran John Cleese is in negotiations to join Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly and Jaden Smith in the cast of the upcoming remake of the 1951 SF classic The Day the Earth Stood Still, according to IGN Movies.

Cleese will play the role of physicist Dr. Barnhardt, a Nobel laureate who plays a key part in figuring out the mission and meaning of the arrival of the alien Klaatu (played by Reeves).


Look at that last line again: "Klaatu (played by Reeves)." Surely that's an error and they mean Gort, the eight-foot-tall robot who doesn't speak, will be played by Keanu Reeves. You would think the role of Klaatu would necessitate someone who can speak more than two lines in a row and change expressions. Of course, that should have applied to Neo in The Matrix too, so there you go.

I'm not a big fan of the original Day the Earth Stood Still, I have to admit. It's okay in a "this is a classic SF film you should see once before you die" kind of way, and it gave us the immortal phrase "Klaatu barada nikto," without which the Sam Raimi film Army of Darkness would be nothing, but I also find it somewhat tedious with its message about Earth being too war-like to join the cosmic family. I kept hoping Gort would grow a tank gun from his chest and start blowing shit up. Or maybe accidentally leave behind a cookbook called To Serve Man.

I don't know what the remake will be like, but I suspect there's a much better chance of Gort blowing shit up now.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: stevenagy
2008-01-28 04:49 pm (UTC)
I'm left with the phrase "Klaatue barada nikto, woah" playing in my head.
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[User Picture]From: mariadkins
2008-01-28 06:12 pm (UTC)
I won't be able to get that out of my head for the rest of the day...Anybody got any bleech? Acid? Anybody? Bueller?
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[User Picture]From: pgtremblay
2008-01-28 05:01 pm (UTC)
Bruce Campbell should maime Keanu (though Keanu and Klattu sound eerily similar) and take the gig.
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From: sclerotic_rings
2008-01-28 05:13 pm (UTC)
There's an easy way of avoiding this, and it's one that's allowed me to be spared the horrors of whatever piece of shit might be stinking up both my local Googolplex and the latest issues of Starlog and SCI FI. Simply put, I don't watch. Not to sound overly flippant, but ever notice how most bad remakes of classic films promptly fade into obscurity (the line-for-line remake of Psycho is at the top of the list, but a few seconds will bring up any number of similar examples) once people stop kvetching about them?
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From: sclerotic_rings
2008-01-28 05:17 pm (UTC)
And I say this knowing perfectly well that when the bad remake flops, the MBAs try to blame everything but their own culpability in the fiasco. I remember all too well when the market for spam-in-a-cabin slasher films fell through in the mid-Eighties, and since the latest Friday the 13th ripoff didn't pull in $30 million on its first weekend, suddenly everyone in Hollywood was saying "There's no market for horror". (The same thing happened in the late Nineties, when the same thing happened to all of those terrible Scream knockoffs that allowed the cast of Dawson's Creek to pretend that they were movie stars.) It's when the MBAs have decided "Well, since nobody bothered to see that adaptation of Ringworld starring Pauly Shore, nobody wants to see science fiction films" that it's possible to sneak something in with some heart and some soul, because it's being sold on the basis of the story and not just because it's a skiffy film.
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[User Picture]From: blackbirdcd
2008-01-28 05:22 pm (UTC)
Wait.. Pauley Shore was in Ringworld?
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:25 pm (UTC)
I don't watch them either. I didn't see the recent remakes of When a Stranger Calls, Black Christmas, The Omen, Halloween, or the latest Invasion of the Body Snatchers thingy. Turns out I didn't miss anything, either. It would take some damn stellar reviews to make me watch the new Day the Earth Stood Still.
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From: sclerotic_rings
2008-01-28 07:56 pm (UTC)
Good man. I'm now at the point where I don't even bother to try renting them "to see if they were any good," either. (Sorry if I sounded overly cranky, but my old high school cohorts were the sort to see the same shitty film ten times, paying full price every time, than to see ten different films just once. Spending one last summer with them during the summer of 1986 also confirmed "It's always better to move on to a movie that you know is worth watching than to take a chance on a film you know is a dog just so you can say you did it." This is why I still haven't bothered with Star Wars, Episode Three or either of the Fantastic Four films.)
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 08:01 pm (UTC)
I stayed away from the Fantastic Four movies also, partly because I knew they would suck, and partly because I always thought the Fantastic Four was a ridiculous superhero team to begin with.

I also happen to think Iron Man is a ridiculous superhero, but at least the upcoming film looks like it might be good. Or at least fun.
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From: augustusmadock
2008-10-17 04:09 am (UTC)
When the first movie came out, I saw it because I always see crap like that when I stay up late. It was a pretty bad movie, but at least they put The Punisher in normal clothes instead of that ridiculous spandex skull costume he wears in the comic book.
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[User Picture]From: morbidmusings
2008-01-28 07:57 pm (UTC)
I've avoided them as well. Except Markus made me watch Rob Zombie's version of Halloween this weekend because he was curious. I want that hour and a half back, dammit!

Needless to say, my "I told you so" moment was beautiful. heh

~Meg
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[User Picture]From: realthog
2008-01-28 08:03 pm (UTC)
"I didn't see the recent remakes of When a Stranger Calls, Black Christmas, The Omen, Halloween, or the latest Invasion of the Body Snatchers thingy. Turns out I didn't miss anything, either."

We watched a bit of The Omen when it was on cable; there was nothing much wrong with it except that it had nothing whatsoever to add -- like Psycho, it was an utterly unnecessary remake. I'll probably watch the new Body Snatchers when it comes on cable, simply to complete my Body Snatchers set, as it were. The original Black Christmas is one of my favourite horror movies; no way would I have watched a remake.

But the When a Stranger Calls remake was actually pretty damn' fine, probably largely because of Camilla Belle's performance in the central role; I'd never really thought about her much as an actress before, just shuddered at the name, but this movie convinced me she has the chops to take on more significant parts. Plus all the shocks and shivers came in the right places and were well executed. It's not a movie worth investing much hard-earned cash in, but if you trip over it on cable you might be glad you chose to watch it.
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 08:05 pm (UTC)
It's not that I don't believe you about the When a Stranger Calls remake, but I think I might put that one in the "life is too short" pile. ;-)
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[User Picture]From: realthog
2008-01-28 08:11 pm (UTC)
"I think I might put that one in the "life is too short" pile"

As you please.
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[User Picture]From: blackbirdcd
2008-01-28 05:21 pm (UTC)
Day the Earth Stood Still and Forbidden Planet - two films that should NOT be remade in any way.

I smell a PLANET OF THE APES sized disaster in the works... even before I heard Keannu Reeves was involved.

"Klaatu, Barada... Whoa"
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:26 pm (UTC)
I bet the trailer involves spaceships blowing a lot of shit up. That'll get 'em in the seats!
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[User Picture]From: blackbirdcd
2008-01-28 08:10 pm (UTC)
You just know Klaatu's spaceship will like like a gigantic H.R. Giger turd, the Gort a Transformer.
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[User Picture]From: mariadkins
2008-01-28 06:10 pm (UTC)
Part of me just died.
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:26 pm (UTC)
Not the good part, I hope!
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[User Picture]From: mariadkins
2008-01-28 07:27 pm (UTC)
ROFL I could do an alignment check to make sure, I suppose. ;)
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[User Picture]From: morbidmusings
2008-01-28 07:31 pm (UTC)
I love the original, and without even knowing the cast I'd be opposed to a remake. I'm generally opposed to remakes.

But to put Keanu Reeves in as Klaatu? No. There must be some kind of mistake. I will NOT accept this!

*runs out of the room sobbing like a hysterical teenager*

~Meg
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:48 pm (UTC)
Maybe they can pass off his general lack of emoting as alien.
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[User Picture]From: morbidmusings
2008-01-28 07:54 pm (UTC)
Eh, I suppose. But it still makes me ill to even think about.

Reeve's is one of those actors that no matter what he's in, I get an urge to just punch him in the face.

Angelina Jolie does that to me too. heh

~Meg
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:58 pm (UTC)
Can I have Angelina before you make her face all bruised and swollen?
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[User Picture]From: morbidmusings
2008-01-28 08:02 pm (UTC)
Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be my guest. But be sure to double bag! ;-)

~Meg
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[User Picture]From: glamberson
2008-01-28 07:36 pm (UTC)
I love the original DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL and wish they weren't remaking it. I can't stand Keanu Reeves. But his casting in this is actually old news, and I think he's a good choice.
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:49 pm (UTC)
Sorry I was too slow to scoop your other news sources, Dr. Judgmento!
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[User Picture]From: glamberson
2008-01-28 07:59 pm (UTC)
I LIKE that! :)
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[User Picture]From: realthog
2008-01-28 07:55 pm (UTC)
"A Nation Mourns"

It does?
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[User Picture]From: nick_kaufmann
2008-01-28 07:59 pm (UTC)
Ha!
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[User Picture]From: livia_llewellyn
2008-01-28 09:48 pm (UTC)
Actually, I think this is a case of Hollywood choking on someone else's vomit. Because Hollywood is pervy-gross like that!
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[User Picture]From: k_dunlap
2008-01-29 12:34 pm (UTC)
hollywood sucks... they have GOT to stop with the remakes! and then to sully it with reeves?! ok, i admit, long long loooooooooooong ago, i thought he was mildly attractive--and then he opened his mouth off the set of Bill and Ted and i realized that wasn't acting! ugh... i hate hollywood...


and um, yeah, nikto... not necktie... that's right =)
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