Nicholas Kaufmann's Journal
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
International Bon Vivant and Raconteur's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Sunday, May 11th, 2008 | | 12:54 am |
A Boy's Best Friend is His Mother  Mrs. Bates would like to wish you and yours a very happy Mother's Day. And remember...she might fool you, but she won't fool Mother! | | Saturday, May 10th, 2008 | | 12:32 pm |
Hollywood Shoots Self in Head, Finds Way to Fuck Own Bullet Hole I couldn't even believe this news item at first. I thought it was either a joke or a typo. But then I remembered Hollywood has a long history of hack-directed, quickie sequels that have no understanding of the original (2002's American Psycho 2: All American Girl springs to mind), and my heart sank into a morass of despair and rage. Well, a deeper morass of despair and rage than I normally exist in. Screen Daily reports that S. DARKO, the sequel to Richard Kelly’s cult genre-blender DONNIE DARKO, begins shooting May 18 for the Silver Nitrate and Newmarket Capital companies. Kelly isn’t involved in the $10-million follow-up, but THE RING’s Daveigh Chase is back as Donnie’s little sister Samantha, now 18, who goes on a road trip with her best friend Corey. Along the way, they become tormented by strange visions. Directing is Chris Fisher of NIGHTSTALKER and RAMPAGE: THE HILLSIDE STRANGLER MURDERS, who said in a statement, “I am a great admirer of Richard Kelly’s film and hope to create a similar world of blurred fantasy and reality.” Adds Simon Crowe, whose British sales company Velvet Octopus will be selling the movie at Cannes, “I think there is a new generation of cinemagoers who will be very excited to see this film. Donnie’s not in it, but there are meteorites and rabbits.” Fox, which released DONNIE DARKO on DVD, has already snagged the North American rights to the film, which also stars Ed (100 FEET) Westwick, Briana Evigan and Justin (THE INVISIBLE) Chatwin.I don't even know where to start, except to say, new generation of cinemagoers? Donnie Darko came out in 2001, for fuck's sake! It's only been 7 years! You gotta love that line about meteorites and rabbits, too. It's like saying you're going to make a sequel to King Kong that doesn't actually have a giant ape in it but does feature the Empire State Building. | | Friday, May 9th, 2008 | | 10:18 pm |
The End to an Already Sucktastic Week kelliwithani82 was rear-ended by a drunk driver (who had his two kids and wife with him in the car!) on the New Jersey Turnpike this evening on her way to Brooklyn to see me. The back of the Kellimobile is completely trashed. She's fine, though the police took her to a nearby hospital in Hamilton, NJ to make certain because she was sore from the impact and the airbag. The hospital said it was just the expected bruising, nothing to worry about, and gave her some codeine (which she is loving and insists I try sometime). Her parents are there with her and are taking her home.
I've been going out of my mind all night, feeling impotent not being there with her and guilty because she was coming to see me. I offered to come to the hospital however I could -- car service, train, bus, fucking Learjet-- but with her parents coming, she said I didn't need to. So all I could do was pace like a trapped animal in my apartment and check in with her constantly. And bless her heart, she kept calling and texting to tell me not to worry.
But she's fine and she's not alone, she's not in pain anymore and she's going home. I'm so keyed up and freaked out I don't even know what to do with myself.
The single red rose I bought this afternoon to surprise her with is still on my dining room table, the white wine still chilling in the fridge.
I'm just glad she's okay. | | Thursday, May 8th, 2008 | | 11:09 pm |
The Lost Report, Part Trillion and Two Oh my God, Lost has gone completely nuts! Now we're dealing with, what, reincarnation? I love it! | | 11:12 am |
Argh! I really, really dislike change -- or, more accurately, changes to my life that I consider detrimental and have no control over -- and apparently I have raging abandonment issues, a fact that surprises me anew every time it raises its ugly, insecure head, because this morning's news that the Who Wants Cake writing group will be losing another of its founding members makes me hate everyone and everything in the world. Best to give me a wide berth today.
(Ironically, one of the Plus-account ads on the update page as I write this says, "Experiencing Extreme Mood Swings? Get Info." So I laughed, and then cried, and then punched it in the face.) | | Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 | | 11:19 am |
Kelly Link at the Seaport Last night I went to see Kelly Link read at the New York Review of Science Fiction series at the South Street Sea Port -- but first, there was a pre-reading cocktail party with most of the members of Who Wants Cake at M.M. DeVoe's house.
The first thing Milda's little boy said to me when I walked into their apartment was, "How many pounds are you?" And I thought, Jeez, I wore this Night Shade Posse t-shirt because I thought it would make me look cool, not fat!
Milda put out a fine spread of finger foods and, in addition to wine and beer, served a rather nice 15-year-old single malt. After two glasses on the rocks, I was pleasantly buzzed and in the perfect mood to go to a reading.
I haven't heard Kelly Link read in a dog's age, probably since her last KGB Bar appearance, so it was a real treat. (Even more of a treat was learning she has yet another collection coming out this year!) Link is one of those writers where every time I read her work, or listen to her read, I am overcome by jealousy. I want to be a stylist of her caliber. I want to be able to write prose that absolutely hypnotizes the reader. Like Peter Straub, Kelly Link makes me want to be a better writer.
The other reader was Jennifer Stevenson, who read from one of her humorous erotic fantasies -- The Brass Bed, I think. It was cute, but not really my cuppa. And besides, no one should have to read after Kelly Link. She's a tough act to follow and would make anyone else's prose sound pedestrian.
It was a great night out with the Who Wants Cake gang -- a fun event on a night of beautiful weather. Sometimes I hate New York City and think I couldn't possibly leave fast enough, but last night was one of those perfect nights that makes me love living in New York again. | | Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 | | 10:23 am |
Spaced! Spaced -- the greatest British sitcom ever made* -- is finally coming to DVD in the U.S.! This is something I've been waiting for ever since I first saw the series on a friend's bootleg videotapes a couple of years ago. Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Jessica Stevenson, the slow-motion finger-gun battle, zombie daydreams, more Doctor Who and Phantom Menace jokes than it would ever be possible to count...My God, I love this series! According to this article, a three-disc DVD set containing both seasons will hit the shelves in July. Excitement! * Yes, even greater than Coupling and Black Books. | | Monday, May 5th, 2008 | | 6:19 pm |
My Secret Shame I have an unhealthy fascination -- nay, some might say addiction -- to The Real Housewives of New York City. Damn you, Bravo! I can no longer claim to not watch reality shows! There isn't enough therapy in the world for these women's children. Especially not "The Countess" LuAnn's kids, who look absolutely crushed every time we see them. Both, I suspect, will grow up to be serial killers. Ramona is a monster. She frightens me. Alex lives in my neighborhood, but I don't think I've ever seen her or her husband on the street. Jill I sort of like, but even though she's got a sense of humor she's still an overly privileged socialite at heart. The kind who walks out of exclusive fashion shows because she's seated in the second row instead of the first. Interestingly, she happens to live in the building right next to the one I lived in from 1981-1984. (And, amazingly, her sister lives in Westport, Connecticut, where I lives from 1972-1981. It's like everyone in that family is following me around!) Bethenny is the only one I can stand, because she is the only one who is even remotely normal, despite being plastic-surgery fake from head to toe, and even despite trying to pressure a guy she's only been dating for a few weeks to marry her. But she's funny and at least slightly more down to earth than the others. Unlike, say, Luann, she doesn't talk to "the help" like they're children. The reunion show was particularly a train wreck. It really came out how much they all hate each other. Ramona stormed out at one point, and Alex came off looking like she has Asperger's. None of them are actually housewives, technically. They all have careers, but more tellingly, none of them spends enough time at home, either with their children or taking care of the house, to be called housewives. Oh God, someone please help me. | | 12:05 am |
Sunday is Unintentional Game Day I don't normally play a lot of games. I do have a semi-regular poker game I attend ever few months, and I don't really consider my local bar's trivia night a game per se, but I don't have any kind of video games at home -- I'd never get any work done if I did -- and though I'm sure i have a few old board games tucked away in my apartment, I haven't played them in probably decades. A friend gave me an awesome-looking Justice League of America Monopoly set for my birthday years ago, and it's still in its plastic wrap. When it comes to pastimes, games just aren't what come to my mind first. And yet today accidentally turned out to be all about games. First, I went to visit my friends Mark and Dalila at Mark's apartment in the afternoon and wound up playing with his new Wii. We made a Mii for me, then played Wii Bowling, where I did all right, scoring in the 160s, and Mario Kart, which was insane and routinely ended with me in last or close to last place. Then I discovered tonight was Game Night at the same local bar that does trivia night. The bartender, a friend of mine, told me to come by at 8:30 PM for a Connect Four tournament. So I did, but before the Connect Fours came out, I found myself embroiled in what I swear to God was the longest, most monstrous game of Uno anyone has ever played. I think it lasted an hour. We had to reshuffle the cards four times. It was crazy. I was also introduced to a completely insane card game called Jungle Speed. I can't even describe the experience except to say that I only watched, too frightened to play. Something about matching designs on cards and grabbing a stick from the middle of the table. Even thinking about it now is making me nuts. Then a bunch of us played a board game I'd never heard of called Tsuro: The Game of the Path, which was actually quite fun and clever, and certainly less crazy-making than Jungle Speed. You get tiles to put on the board and use them to build pathways to move your piece along. The object is to avoid winding up on a path that will lead you off the board and to be the last one still on the board. We played several rounds. I won one of them. By the time I went home at 11 PM, the Connect Four tournament still hadn't started. I have a feeling it won't, because Tsuro was such a hit. I think every Sunday night will be game night at the bar from now on. I don't know how often I'll go. As I said, games aren't really my thing. But I did have a good time today. | | Sunday, May 4th, 2008 | | 3:25 pm |
| | Saturday, May 3rd, 2008 | | 12:48 am |
Artie vs. Artie In today's edition of Coincidence or Not Coincidence? we present the tale of two Arties. Exhibit A: In 1984, Planet P Project released the album Pink World. A science fiction rock opera, this double LP tells the story of Artemis -- Artie for short -- a psychic boy who can't talk. Among his powers are telepathy, telekinesis and the ability to project realistic holographic images. In the end, Artie disappears, turning into a lumpy pink blob. ( You can also see Artie in action in this awesomely dated music video.) Exhibit B: In 1986, two years later, Marvel comics introduced in X-Factor #2 the mutant Arthur Maddicks -- Artie for short -- a psychic boy who can't talk. Among his powers are telepathy, telekinesis and the ability to project realistic holographic images. Once his mutant powers kick in at the age of 11, his head turns into a lumpy pink blob. Verdict: Simply too much of a coincidence to be one! The fact that lawyers weren't immediately called only makes sense given the fact that very few people heard Pink World -- despite being their best album, it was a commercial dud, effectively killing Planet P Project for twenty years -- and maybe only a smidge more read Daydreamers, Generation X or X-Terminators, the Marvel titles that more prominently featured Artie Maddicks during the height of the X-spinoffs that led to an inevitable nationwide epidemic of X-fatigue. It seems unlikely much crossover existed between listeners of Planet P Project and readers of lesser X-spinoffs, meaning in all likelihood no one caught the striking similarities at the time. Ruling: In favor of Planet P Project. Sentence: Should Artie Maddicks ever reappear in comics, his name will hereby be changed to Blobbyhead McBuggyeyes. Court adjourned. | | Thursday, May 1st, 2008 | | 7:36 pm |
The Shirley Jackson Awards Finalists I'm not actually a part of the Shirley Jackson Awards, but I'm excited about them and want to help, so here is the list of finalists for the award's inaugural year: 2007 Shirley Jackson Awards Finalists NOVELBaltimore, Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden (Bantam Spectra) Generation Loss, Elizabeth Hand (Small Beer Press) Sharp Teeth, Toby Barlow (William Heinemann Ltd) The Terror, Dan Simmons (Little, Brown) Tokyo Year Zero, David Peace (Knopf) NOVELLA12 Collections, Zoran Zivkovic (PS Publishing) Illyria, Elizabeth Hand (PS Publishing) The Mermaids, Robert Edric (PS Publishing) "Procession of the Black Sloth," Laird Barron ( The Imago Sequence and Other Stories, Night Shade Books) The Scalding Rooms, Conrad Williams (PS Publishing) "Vacancy," Lucius Shepard (Subterranean #7, 2007) NOVELETTE"The Forest," Laird Barron (Inferno, Tor) "The Janus Tree," Glen Hirshberg (Inferno, Tor) "The Swing," Don Tumasonis (At Ease with the Dead, Ash-Tree Press) "The Tenth Muse," William Browning Spencer (Subterranean #6, 2007) "Thumbprint," Joe Hill (Postscripts #10, March 2007) SHORT STORY"Holiday," M. Rickert (Subterranean #7, 2007) "The Monsters of Heaven," Nathan Ballingrud (Inferno,Tor) "A Murder of Crows," Elizabeth Ziemska (Tin House 31, Spring 2007) "Something in the Mermaid Way," Carrie Laben (Clarkesworld, March 2007) "The Third Bear," Jeff VanderMeer (Clarkesworld, April 2007) "Unique Chicken Goes in Reverse," Andy Duncan (Eclipse One, Night Shade Books) COLLECTIONThe Bone Key, Sarah Monette (Prime Books) The Entire Predicament, Lucy Corin (Tin House) The Imago Sequence and Other Stories, Laird Barron (Night Shade Books) Like You'd Understand, Anyway, Jim Shepard (Knopf) Old Devil Moon, Christopher Fowler (Serpent's Tail) ANTHOLOGYAt Ease with the Dead, edited by Barbara and Christopher Roden (Ash-Tree Press) Dark Delicacies 2, edited by Del Howison and Jeff Gelb (Running Press) Inferno, edited by Ellen Datlow (Tor) Logorrhea, edited by John Klima (Bantam Spectra) Wizards, edited by Jack Dann and Gardner Dozois (Berkley) Winners will be announced this July at Readercon. | | Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 | | 10:27 am |
Pigs On the Wing We always knew it would happen eventually. We all imagined it from the moment we saw the album cover. I'm just surprised it took 30 years. A helium-filled swine, [accidentally] released into the night sky during Roger Waters' headlining set Sunday at the Coachella music festival in the Southern California desert, has been found in pieces.
Susan Stoltz found a plastic heap in her driveway Monday, but said she didn't know what it was until she read about the missing pig in the Desert Sun newspaper.
"My kids are going to think I'm so cool," she said.I've got some bad news for you, sunshine. Your kids don't know who Pink Floyd is, let alone Roger Waters. Where a giant inflatable Hannah Montana landing in your driveway would have scored you your children's love forever, a giant pig from a Roger Waters concert will only get you blank stares and random exclamations about your age. That's life in the 21st Century for you. Pre-packaged corporate-message entertainment beamed directly into your children's minds. Welcome to the machine. However, I think you're cool. A giant inflatable Pink Floyd pig landing in your driveway? You're nearly a laugh, but you're really a cry! The article continues: As tall as a two-story house and as wide as two school buses, the pig was led from lines held on the ground Sunday as Waters played a version of Pink Floyd's "Pigs" from the 1977 anti-capitalist album "Animals." Then it just floated away.
"It wasn't really supposed to happen that way. I don't have the details," festival spokeswoman Marcee Rondan said.Obviously not. Giant inflatable pigs don't just fly off into the great gig in the sky on their own. I suspect sabotage. Someone must have meddled with the lines. Given them the final cut. Does anyone know where David Gilmour was that day? How about Nick Mason? Hmmm, I bet they wish they were here. (By the way, I never really knew "Animals" was meant to be an anti-capitalist album. I always thought it was about WWII and post-war imperialism, with the three pigs being Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin, the three world leaders at the Yalta Conference. Just goes to show how different people read different things into the same creative work, I guess.) And now here's the really embarrassing part of the article. The part that will no doubt make all Pink Floyd and Roger Waters fans cringe: The pig displayed the words "Don't be led to the slaughter" and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side reads "Fear builds walls" and the underside reads "Obama" with a checked ballot box for U.S. Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama.Oy. Uncle Sam with two bloody cleavers? The "Vote Obama" iconography on the bottom? The bottom of a giant capitalist pig? Someone is mixing their metaphors! Still, when you're obscured by clouds, there's only one thing to do. Shine on, you crazy diamond! | | Monday, April 28th, 2008 | | 10:59 am |
Oh God Publishing scams. Yoga-for-better-writing classes. Vanity publishing. There are so many creative ways to separate writers from their money that it has almost become an art form in itself. To whit, I found this ad in the program of an off-off-Broadway show:
Authentic Writing is a movement that believes writing is an art and that all art depends upon getting at the artist's deepest stories. We also believe that, as Paul Gaugin pointed out, art is either revolution (as in Authentic Writing) or plagiarism (as in the conventional literary/academic world). Authentic Writing is led by two people who found it necessary to go beyond success as published writers and editors to follow their art. They now conduct writing workshops and weekend writing retreats in NYC and Woodstock, plus missionary ventures in places as near as New England and as distant as Calabria, Italy. www.AuthenticWriting.com.
Oh God. Read the second sentence again and marvel at the brass balls it takes to call your own "movement" revolutionary and every other bit of writing out there plagiarism. (Plagiarizing what? Who knows! Revolutionaries don't have to explain themselves! Up against the wall, plebe!)
Now, I know a couple of people who have taken the Authentic Writing workshops and both claim it helped their writing a lot. That's awesome. In my opinion, anything that helps inspire or hone your writing is a good thing. Usually. It's just that I don't think anyone should have to pay as much as $860 for a workshop to be told you're doing it wrong because you're not drawing solely from your life experiences. Besides, writers can start their own workshops for free. And when you do, you won't ever have to listen to stuff like this:
Authentic Writing maintains that writing – like all art – is an alive intuitive process not strangled by thinking.
The best writing emerges when allowed to take its own course, without imposed plans, expectations or – worst of all – forced resolutions.
The Authentic Writing workshops place no value on standard academic criticism and make a point of not making didactic suggestions to the writer about what to do next. Nothing could be more detrimental to the organic, life-giving process of writing.
Because you certainly don't want anyone telling you your writing has to, oh, at least have an internal sense of logic or a satisfying resolution, and you certainly don't want first readers who can tell you how to make a story better!
Oh wait, yes you do. Too bad Authentic Writing doesn't believe in those things. But with your own workshop you can come up with your own philosophy, one that's just as valid as Authentic Writing's. Maybe something along the lines of We are at our most creatively open when our souls are satisfied with the delicious taste of Cheetos.
Folks, writing is not philosophy. It's both a craft and an art, yes, but you don't need a philosophy to be a writer. Companies like Authentic Writing take the old adage "write what you know" and twist it into something it was never meant to be. In truth, it means you should draw upon your own experiences so you know how to make your characters react believably to what is happening around them. It does not mean you're only allowed to use true events from your life in your writing, even if that's what Authentic Writing espouses.
By their own philosophy, Authentic Writing would have a world where there is no science fiction, no fantasy, no horror, no thrillers, no mysteries, no romance. Only memoir after memoir about life at the country house where your best friend was the family driver, and how difficult your years at Vassar were because everyone else pretended not to be rich and hated you for having money. (Because guess who the only people who can spend up to $860 to "learn" how to write are? But it's okay, those filthy poor people would only crank out plagiaristic science fiction anyway!)
Keep your money, folks. Start your own workshops. And if you can't, find ones that suit your needs instead of trying to tell you what and how you ought to be writing (places like Clarion, Odyssey and the Borderlands Boot Camp spring to mind as good workshops, at least for genre writers). Because the real authentic writing comes from your own interests -- and that can be science fiction, fantasy, horror, mysteries, you name it, just as easily as it can be a memoir about how your classmates teased you at Dalton because your parents didn't drive the right kind of car. | | Sunday, April 27th, 2008 | | 12:22 am |
Baby Mama Funny movie. Not spectacular, but cute and well worth your time. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are great, but Steve Martin steals the movie with every scene he's in. Of course, as a long time fan of Steve Martin I may be a little biased. I have all his comedy albums, even the one where the whole second side is just him playing the banjo.
There are some major structural problems with the first act. Too many truncated scenes that don't give us time to get to know the characters. It's detrimental to the story. You can practically hear the studio execs screaming, "Get to Amy Poehler's character faster!" But once Poehler shows up, the movie really takes off, and you do get a feel for the characters as it progresses.
And I don't know what it's like in Philly, but I don't know anyone in New York who is as friendly with their doorman as Tina Fey's character is with hers. Really, no one invites them up to the apartment to hang out or has long meaningful conversations with them about their private lives. And I'm willing to bet doormen are grateful for that. | | Saturday, April 26th, 2008 | | 10:58 pm |
Doctor Who: "Partners in Crime" Well, that was fucking awful. It's only the first episode of the fourth season and I already feel like proclaiming the creative death of Doctor Who. The plot felt like a thinly veiled reworking of the pilot for The Sarah Jane Adventures. The little "fat babies" were ridiculous. And Catherine Tate...well, a little goes a long way with her. Donna was fine as a one-off comic foil in the second Christmas special, but I can't imagine an entire season of Donna episodes. Though I will admit it's a nice change for the Doctor to travel with a woman who doesn't want to stick her tongue down his throat.
With all that said, though, the scene with the blonde woman in the crowd toward the end was killer, and I'm excited to see how that plays out down the road. | | Thursday, April 24th, 2008 | | 4:18 pm |
Outing Namor I was at my friend's comic book shop today, looking at the promotional Avengers/Invasion Sketch Book thingy she had out on the counter. I flipped through it with a mild disinterest -- superhero comics aren't really my thing, and superhero teams even less so -- and there was Namor, the Sub-Mariner, soaring through the air and attacking some kind of villain. "I love how Namor flies around in nothing but his tiny swim shorts," I said. "Oh yeah," my friend replied. "He's totally gay." She's a lesbian, so she can say these things without me frowning at her. I looked at the picture again. Ripped abs, sculpted chest, lean but muscular legs, and...short-shorts. Yeah, I thought, he might be the first openly gay superhero. And not just open but, like, flamboyantly so. Someone should write that story arc. In fact, that should totally be the plot of the next, zillionth Crisis crossover. All the superheroes come out of the closet and the population that idolized them doesn't know what to do with the information. I've even got the opening. The truth comes out when Namor is discovered working his night job at some kind of alien go-go club! scottedelman, go pitch this and give me half the money! | | Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008 | | 1:46 pm |
In the Mirror Universe, I Don't Have a Beard Monday morning I received an email from a man named, of all things, Nick Kaufmann. Yup, two Ns and all. At first I thought it had to be spam, since I sometimes see my own name spoofed as the return address, but it wasn't. It was an actual letter. My next thought was that a secondary personality had taken over while I slept, created a new email account and sent the letter to myself. But that wasn't the case either. ( Here's what the letter said. I swear this is real. ) | | 10:39 am |
I'm Even Worried About Money in My Dreams I dreamt I scored an interview with Eddie Money for a local newspaper. But then, when the newspaper came out, I saw they had inexplicably changed his name throughout the article to Eddie Sorrow. Weird. | | Monday, April 21st, 2008 | | 10:44 am |
Portishead: Third It's been 11 years since their last studio album, but the exciting news is that it looks like the UK band Portishead is finally back with new material. I'm so out of touch when it comes to music news, I didn't even know Portishead was still active until I read the review of the new album, Third, in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. The review was a positive one (they gave the album a B+), but it seemed to come with some reservations, namely that their signature trip-hop style -- or, as I call it, "OMG, I'm moody and on heroin!" -- has morphed into something a little less groove-oriented. Which is fine, theoretically, but it made me want to listen to some samples before committing to buying the CD. Unfortunately, iTunes was no help, listing all the of Third's tracks as "album only." Grrrr. In the end, all I could find was the new song "Machine Gun" on Portishead's MySpace page. (That Portishead has a MySpace page saddens me inexplicably.) But I like the song, and it doesn't sound that different from their previous work after all. So, has anyone heard the whole album? Is it worth the money I ought to be saving? |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|